The Big Change - 1989 -1994

After my wife left me she had returned with her father back to Illinois.  I think this was one of the hardest and most emotional periods for me ever.  Through all I had experienced thus far.. I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for hugging my daughter and waving good bye to her as she left with my wife.  She was definitely a daddy's girl.  I can not express the feeling in words.  Other than death may have been a better alternative.  I can't say that I was in love with my wife then.. A lot of things had taken place between us..  And in looking back I don't know that we were ever truly in love.  We had gotten married all to young and I think only because all of our friends were getting married and it just seemed to be the thing to do at that time.  It's weird how you can cling to someone without really knowing them.  They say reflection is good for the soul.  Take a word from someone has done it.  At 37 some events are just best left forgotten.  Not all things need to be analyzed under a microscope.  Things happen in our live to shape us.  At this point in my live.. only part of the stone had been chiseled away.

I ended up relocating to Chicago, so I could be closer to my child and a hope that maybe me and my wife could work things out.  I can assure you I was not the best husband and I know I made my share of mistakes.. but I also can say in earnest I was not alone and comfortable knowing that I did try to do the right things.  Oh did I mention, that shortly before my wife left she sprung on me that she was pregnant again.. and did I tell you that I also found out the only reason she had stayed with me as long as she had is because she wanted another child by me.  Her words to my Aunt was I made pretty babies.  It's true I do.. But I can't tell you how this made me feel.  When I finally had gotten to Illinois, my son had been born.  My talks with my wife.. had gone well so I had thought.. If I could get things settled in Chicago and get set in a decent job..  We could get back together.  So that was my goal.  I had prior to moving from Virginia hooked up with man who had a Security Business in Illinois.. My mom had been a live in house nurse for his mother..  Amazing how things work out.  I had been successful in Security.. I damn sure knew how to sell it.. and tooting my horn was a damn good law enforcement officer.  I had at that time more training than an average cop and was an instructor in several areas.  So I went to work for them.

I got to Chicago, got a room at a hotel, arranged of course by my new benefactor and stayed there for about a month while I got myself situated in the new job and find a place to live.  I don't think they realized how determined I was and how much I wanted to make money.. god are we motivated by cash sometimes.  Inside 2 months they had more business than they could handle and I became the new GM, inside two years I bought the company,  they just didn't not know how to handle the kind of growth in clients I was bringing and I did.  They had figured get a few good clients and  pay me a small commission each month and put me working on a few sites. The amount of growth I had brought forced them to make a decision and when I say them they were three partners.  They either needed to leave their full time jobs and dedicate themselves to the business now or they had to get out because they couldn't do both.  They settled on getting out for a small profit.  They got it and I had bigger dreams.  Before I bought the company a lot happened with me.  My wife and I were done..  I hated her.  She had taken it all away from me.. Even though I did what I had promised.  I held my end of the bargain.  Some bargain.  During my time GMing for this company, I met a woman.  She was short petite, beautiful.. pretty smile.. and we hit it off to a degree.  We were bed partners..  but one night and this was the pivotal change that came with me.. she asked me to tie her up and play with her..   I did.. and my life changed forever.  She was a learning experience for me.  We did it all or at least what seemed to be all.  And yet never assumed a title like master or slave.. I was the dominant and she the submissive but even those terms were never mentioned..  bondage sex, hot wax, ice cubes, spankings, role play  we did so much.  Our role play I have say was some of the most erotic interaction that I have ever had.  She would come to my office dressed in the attire of say an executive secretary and of course I was the mean boss.  I remember tying her up and punishing her for not taking dictation fast enough or what ever.. bound her to my conference table and just fucking the hell out of her.  The feelings that came out in me were so powerful.. too powerful..  After a while things sort of just ended between us and I can't tell you why we just sort of went our separate ways.

I found the internet and Prodigy and became an online dominant for a while  learning what I could and becoming the authority on everything.. when I knew nothing.  I can't remember all that damn dribble I spouted back then..  I only know in looking back I wish someone had kicked my ass.  I remember saying to everyone when we got into any kind philosophical discussion " You must look deep within yourself, know who you are and that all you are to be is for the other "  I had no clue how profound that could have been if I truly had done that then and understood what I was saying.  But it sounded good and sent all the other wannabees into a dizzy tizzy.. and I was a god.. better a dog.. but still.  I had a lot of the right ideas.. but none of the wisdom or enough experience needed.  But I was in the right place at the right time and began finding myself.

After taking over the business and coming to learn that nothing I would do bring me and my wife back together, getting divorced.  I had had enough of Chicago.  I missed home.. Va. was home.  So stupid me, shut down a good company and left.  This would have happened around 1992.  I was back in Virginia, went to work for a private buying club selling memberships and doing pretty damn good at the time.  I was pulling in 3-4k a month working about 25 hours a week.  What could be better.  Better would have been more time working a job and less time on the Internet... chuckles.. I met a person, a submissive online and we got to talking.. we met had a wonderful scene and the next thing you know stupid me is leaving a good job to go and be with her.  I ended up in Hawaii and the fun began..  We live together, played and planned to get married.  Life was good.. until she told me that she couldn't be submissive any more.. that it just wasn't her.. we stayed together anyway.. and ended up married.  There is a great deal  to this.   I knew that it wasn't going to work between she and I.. and I think she knew too.  But we did love each other and so we kept on..  I think a big part of me marrying her anyway.. had to do with her father.  I really liked him,  he really made an attempt to make me feel welcome and I respected him.  He had accomplished a lot in his life.  In a way he was famous for some of his accomplishments.  But he was dying of cancer.  His daughter had never been ,married and I think or rather believed to this day that what kept him alive was to be able to walk his daughter down the aisle.  To know that she was going to be okay.  So I married her regardless of what I may have felt.  How I could I deprive him of his last wish.  He died roughly a month after the wedding and I was sad.  He was one of the few men in my life I had felt a bond with.. My relationship faltered quickly , with in months...  After asking for us to see a marriage counselor together and being refused.. I left.  I needed the lifestyle back..  I had not realized how much apart of me it was.  I met many submissives.. played with a lot of people never really getting anywhere with anything until finally one woman and found myself in Atlanta.. somewhere in late 1993.  She became my slave and life was great.  Since she was from Atlanta... she introduced me to the scene there and all the doors began to open up for me.  From playing at the Sanctuary to The Chamber going to PEP..  all the things I had been missing came into light.  But the problem.. she had a child.. and suddenly I found myself in a situation where the person I was with no longer wanted to be in the lifestyle.  She wanted to marry me, but only if there was no lifestyle and I had to say no.  We had been together for a while.. it was really hard to say good bye. I really cared for her, but I knew my destiny was the lifestyle.

I rented the basement apartment in a home on the outskirts of the city and continued to go to Pep functions and then I met a local submissive at one of the party nights.  She and I began seeing each other she introduced me to Master Doug Harris of the Sanctuary.  I had not met him until this time even though I had been to the Sanctuary before.  She had arranged a meeting to introduce me to him, to have coffee and a chat, very informal.  I did not know how lucky I was to have met the people I have in my life good or bad.. because they all had pointed me in this direction.  And I believe it was meant for me to meet Master Doug.  I think I was one of the few who had been chosen in life to be saved from himself.  We got to the appointment and of course here I stood facing this man and I was nervous as hell without knowing why.  Was it because he was the leader of the leather community.. because he was gay man and some where in my head I was afraid I was going to have to sleep with him or something.. I don't know all I know is that I was there and scared shitless.  But I can mask just about any emotion.  Years of experience from childhood you know.   But a funny thing happened.  When we met and we were introduced to each other and we shook hands.. he smiled welcomed me to the Sanctuary and I immediately felt this energy.. this positive overwhelming energy coming from this man and I was in awe.  We talked for what seemed like for ever and about nothing consequential... life where we have been where we want to go..  and that energy never wavered it was almost as if I were high.  I knew then, no matter what.. I wanted to get to know him better and little did I know he wanted the same.  Now understand Master Doug is gay and I am straight and in all the time we have known each other there has never been any kind of sexual exchange between us.  But He and I share a friendship, a love, a bonding that goes beyond sex, lovers, couplings..  I can't put a word on it..  it is special and I have never had that with anyone else.. ever.  It is rare indeed and I don't think many people have ever felt what I am talking about.  The few who have if your reading this.. you know.  But it is unlike anything else.

more to come.....